Just a wrestler

Okay, so I'm going to start this one with a little section of bragging, but bear with me and, hopefully, this actually becomes readable.

People seem to enjoy my matches. (Whoa! Huge brag, I know.) After doing a post that denounced criticism, why is this even important? Well, it's because wrestlers - people who have actual experience and skill in the act of wrestling - often compliment me on my matches. I hold out no hopes for universal admiration, but appreciation from peers seems to be an attainable goal.

The crux of all this: I don't believe any of it.

I know I'm not incompetent at my part-time, passtime, but I don't think I'm good at it. There was a phrase that I often uttered after matches, so much so that it became a running joke between a few friends: "could've been better." I eventually had to change this habit, because people hear "could've been better" as entirely negative. Implicity, I was saying "it was alright, but it could've been better", but that's not what people hear. (Now I just say "it was alright" as the stock response.)

I don't dwell on negative aspects, in life in general, but I'm still aware of faults and imprecisions, on my own part. So when someone has something positive to say about my work, I'm more amazed they didn't notice all the mistakes I made - which ultimately leads me to conclude they didn't watch the match properly, or they're just lying to be kind.

One day, I come across a speech gave by Neil Gaiman to the graduates of an arts university (if you don't know who Neil Gaiman is, stop reading this now, and, instead, read something by him). He spoke of his own experience creating and progressing through art. It's a great speech, and I found it inspirational, not because there was an amazing writer laying out the metaphor he lived by, but because he spoke of the imposter syndrome:

"The first problem of any kind, of even limited success, is the unshakable conviction that you're getting away with something, and that any moment now they will discover you."

It's when someone says something like that, that you breath a sign of relief, that you didn't even know you had pent up in your chest; you answer the question you'd never even internalised: "Oh, I'm not the only one."

Your friends are too kind and no matter how hard they try to convince you that you're too hard on yourself, you'll always believe they say that because they're you're friends; your enemies are too malign, so you'll never believe them either, really. It's hard to find opinions to trust, with this cognitive conviction.

Where am I now, then? Am I accepting any and all praise I can lay my ears on? No. Am I a manic depressive, who believes every negative I stumble across? No. But there was something I heard about myself, that I actually agree with:

"I don't get the hype about Jack Gallagher, he's just a wrestler."

Yes, that is a quote from another wrestler, and he has no idea I heard it. I'm just a wrestler, and I'm happy with that.

P.S.

I don't get the hype, either.

P.P.S.

For those interested, here's the speech gave by Neil Gaiman: https://vimeo.com/42372767